I was sound asleep. There was a settle touch and it startled me. Next was a gentle caressing and it awakened me. Then there was a forceful thrust and it frightened me. Being paralyzed by fear, I didn’t yell “stop!” I didn’t cry out for help so it continued. Beyond scared and completely naïve, I was unable to scream. I think I did but no sounds came out.
For a predator the “surroundings” were perfect. So naturally, over time it had become normal. Nine months later I am pregnant. That immature part of me did not know it was “sexual intercourse.” I did not know that you could exercise a choice. I did not know that I could tell “someone.”
Years later, and I mean years later, His loving voice whispered, “Beloved you never consented to that.” And all that time, all those years, I was embarrassed. I was no longer innocent and no longer pure. For the rest of my youth, carrying those emotions and feeling all those critical eyes on me. All the while I was shaming myself and blaming myself. “You were willing.” I had convinced myself. So not true. So not a participant. So not ready to loose my virginity. So never got the “talk.”
Exhale…I never consented. I was raped.
Note: Rape is often described as unwanted or forced 'sex' – or 'sex' that happened without consent. But, sex can only happen when everyone consents. Rape, on the other hand, is a form of sexual violence and a serious crime. Rape happens when someone didn't want to have sex or didn't give their consent for sex to happen.
