I just didn’t know…
I thought it was an expression of love. After all, he told me he loved me. Verbally, over and over again, he said he loved me. It sounded good, as I’d never heard it before. But the physical part, that hurt. Over and over again, that really hurt.
My self talk, “do better…be better.” While repeating, “I’m sorry” Over and over again, I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing wrong. I so wanted to know so that I could change it. So that I could stop it. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. I tried my hardest to be good, to look good, to just do good. I kept failing him and he kept hitting me, hurting me. The wounds, the words…ouch!
Nothing worked. He was still not satisfied, not happy, not relenting. His anger grew fierce. His punches harder, his kicks more intense. His words sharp like a knife. Fighting back was useless, the retaliation only intensified. And the apologies, they kept coming.
It wasn’t until years later, my first day of training. In full police uniform, sitting in the front of the class. Quiet tears streaming down my face as the instructor said that domestic violence is not about the victim. It is all about the offender wanting power and control. Somewhat frozen, yet my ears perked up…”What? It was never my fault?”
I just happened to be the object of his suppressed rage and anger? None of it was my fault? I wished I had known a lot sooner. But I just did not know. Who would know the root and the reason and stay? Back then, oh so naïve and too embarrassed to tell anyone, I just endured it.
But God, He miraculously saved me. Yes I experienced it, but I also survived it. Only because God’s mercy was upon my life and He knew that He would use it for His future glory. So for that, I say, “Thank You Lord for the abuse, which eventually gave me wings to soar! Although I did not know, I was free to tell others and help others. So many others who also did not and do not yet know.”
