Nine Years of Experience

Having been on this journey for the past nine years has shown me that all the years prior were not wasted.  Once I held the bible and happened upon the word suffer, I used to say that I had no right to speak of suffering because I had not suffered.  I could not utter the word without thinking of my Savior.  I have had a lot of bad experiences in my youth and leading up to adulthood.  I have experienced physical and verbal abuse.  I have experienced being abandoned.  I have experienced sexual harassment.  I have experienced the aloneness of being a teenage mother.  I have experienced the shame of being left by a spouse.  I have experienced the embarrassment of not having an education.  I have experienced the fears of not having enough and not being enough.  I have experienced jealousy, envy and discontent.  I have even experienced a season of having excess.  I even remember experiencing love...I mean heartfelt, unconditional, romantic, "being myself" kind of love...

And then having to surrender it...

I worshipped a false god and was still able to get up each day and have what I needed to sustain yet another day.  Year after year, I obsessively kept journal after journal in an effort to have someone to trust, someone who wouldn't leave me and someone who would understand, without me having to put my truest feelings out in the vulnerable universe.

In my nine years of experience...the life I have been blessed with surpasses the 42 years leading up to it...

Jesus Christ called me out of darkness and with that calling, I am to experience suffering...