Nine Years of Experience

Having been on this journey for the past nine years has shown me that all the years prior were not wasted.  Once I held the bible and happened upon the word suffer, I used to say that I had no right to speak of suffering because I had not suffered.  I could not utter the word without thinking of my Savior.  I have had a lot of bad experiences in my youth and leading up to adulthood.  I have experienced physical and verbal abuse.  I have experienced being abandoned.  I have experienced sexual harassment.  I have experienced the aloneness of being a teenage mother.  I have experienced the shame of being left by a spouse.  I have experienced the embarrassment of not having an education.  I have experienced the fears of not having enough and not being enough.  I have experienced jealousy, envy and discontent.  I have even experienced a season of having excess.  I even remember experiencing love...I mean heartfelt, unconditional, romantic, "being myself" kind of love...

And then losing it...

I worshipped a false god and was still able to get up each day and have what I needed to sustain yet another day.  Year after year, I obsessively kept journal after journal in an effort to have someone to trust, someone who wouldn't leave me and someone who would understand, without me having to put my truest feelings out in the vulnerable universe.

In my nine years of experience...the life I have been blessed with surpasses the 42 years leading up to it...

Jesus Christ called me out of darkness and with that calling, I am to experience suffering...

In My Eperience

Working hard pays off in the end
Loving hard is worth every tear
Owning a pet is better than not
Having children keeps you young
Helping the elderly enlarges the heart
Following your dreams is crazy fun
A really trusted friend is priceless
Having a scale keeps things balanced
Laughing out loud burns calories
Time away from life refreshes the soul
Prayer keeps one humble

In my experience, nothing compares to
having a personal and intimate relationship
with the One who Created you...

Jesus Christ is Lord of ALL

Based On Prior Experience

I know how it feels to be insecure
I know what shame feels like
I know what regret feels like
I know how it feels not to be the smart one
I know what rejection feels like
I know what betrayal feels like
I know how it feels to lose it all
I know what fear feels like
I know what faking it feels like
I know what it feels like to be lied to

Based on prior experience, I know what it feels like
to blend in with half the population

Jesus Christ transforms lives

Hiatus

For what is now going on my third week, I've been nestled away in the loving arms of my daddy.  Tucked away in Akron, Ohio with all the comforts of home.  I can only say that because I was once lost and became found.  I was blind and could not see.  I was wondering all of my adult life in search of home.  I had no idea that it truly existed but the little girl in me would never cease longing for it.  And once discovered, it has attached itself to the very core of my being.  I usually come to this sacred and treasured space in the early summer, when I departed last June, my undeniable intuition, instructed me to come back for winter.  So here I am in the frigid temperatures, now being labeled a Triple Threat because of the approaching snow storm.  So not concerned as I am in the presence of his unconditional love and unending grace.  I have everything that I could possible need, and if I had to stay permanently, it would be well with my soul.

As I just penned that prose, I was speaking of being in the presence of my birth dad.  But, anyone who knows me could easily translate that to going home to be with Abba.  The ONE who has prepared a place for me in advance.  Long before the search began to find my earthly father.

(Hi.a.tus) a pause or gap in a sequence, series, or process...
I was singing in my car...laughing out loud and completely understanding why I was never invited to join the choir!

Anyway, here's my song to my LORD!

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning
New mercies I see

He is my Father
I am His daughter
No matter the trials
He walks beside me

I am His daughter
He is my Father
All that He's promised
I'll trust in thee

He is my Father
I am His daughter
Kept under His wings
I'll always be

Great is Thy Faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning
New mercies I see


Silly Holiday Thoughts

If I were a Christmas tree, I would occasionally come inside for hot coco and maybe even add tiny marshmallows.  In the spring time I would intentionally position myself near the butterfly feeders and smile wide when the Monarchs flutter by.  In the fall I would recharge my colorful festive lights and get ready for my grand performance.  I would glow so bright, anticipating cheer to all who pass me by.  And this time, when I go on break, I would go inside for a cup of hot English tea with fresh cream.

Haiku

if writing is your passion then a blank page is not writer's block, it's actually a poem waiting to be written...

Remaining Hopeful

i dreamed and it came to true
i believed and it came to pass
i waited and it was not in vain

i am dreaming and believing
i am believing and waiting
i am waiting and hoping

Reflecting Haiku

when i think of love
i miss writing poetry
it is still in me

when i think of love
i miss reading for pleasure
i long for those days

when i think of love
the thing that i miss the most
is holding his hand

when i think of love
HE brings me back to present
and my longings fade


Prose Love

A commercial has been repeating itself lately, expressing how great it is to (be) in love.  I agree completely as I remember love.  It was wonderful to be in love.  It was magical, exciting and oftentimes spontaneous.  We planned things, we created memories and we cared for one another in ways that only "lovers" tend to do.  We made mistakes, forgave (most times) and we grew to know the strengths and weaknesses of the other.  There were some tears, lots of laughter and rarely any anger.  If there was jealousy or envy it went undetected...at least from what I recollect.  There were burst of spring, summer road trips and winter's snowy bliss. Saying all this briefly reminds me of love and how I had the beautiful privilege to experience it.  And for that, I thank My Savior.  I thank Him because compared to HIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, I don't miss love.  I have LOVE and it trumps being in love.  Humans cannot possess love, they are only cable of being...BUT in Christ, we have LOVE and it remains eternally.

From North Beach To Japan

THANK YOU FATHER, GOD OVER ALL!





Autumn

It's Autumn and has been for a while now. I don't know what season of life you're in but I'm in the season of leaves. 

Leaving and following...
Leaving and becoming... 
Leaving and discovering...
Leaving and growing...
Leaving and being amazed!

I'm in the midst of Autumn and I'm completely tuned in to His voice which is continually whispering that I need to keep my "spiritual" eyes and ears open because sometime in the near future, I'll be leaving...

Truly Living

Resist the world and flee to God.
Resist the world and repent to God.
Resist the world and trust God.
Resist the world and believe God.
Resist the world and obey God.
Resist the world and submit to God.
Resist the world and rest in God.
Resist the world and try God.
Resist the world and let God love you!
Resist the world, hell is for real.
Resist the world and spend eternity with God.

Humans

There are many barriers between His Sovereignty and our obedience.

To name a few: Pride, doubt, fear, trust, having to wait, and comparison.

In those moments of uncertainty, pause and give your undivided attention to nature.

The seasons all have order. As the God we serve is not a God of chaos. He is good and His intentions are good.

The waves listen to Him. The sunset cannot just rise whenever it wants to.

The moon is on God's timetable. The stars come out as He calls them by name, one by one.

Snowflakes and raindrops are at His command alone. The grass, trees and flowers transform according to His will.

The rainbow isn't happenstance.

Even the animals trust that the God of heaven and earth will feed them.

Why can't we simply take Him at His Word?

The Way You Love Me

When I am busy You are with me
When I am still You are with me
When I am hungry You are with me
When I am thirsty You are with me
When I am uncertain You are with me
When I am confident You are with me
When I am exhausted You are with me
When I am refreshed You are with me
When I am anxious You are with me
When I am at peace You are with me
When I am sad You are with me
When I am glad You are with me
When I am creative You are with me
When I am feeling blah You are with me
When I have no words You are with me
When I speak boldly You are with me
You have promised to never leave me
Yes, I love the way You love me

(Joshua 1:9)

Untitled

It is very possible to have
Something so very special
So tender to your heart
So passionate beyond words
So breathtaking yet so subtle 
To have something so precious 
So beautiful beyond nature
Unexplainable to man
Something that takes very
Little effort to maintain 
Yet it flourishes day by day
But then having to release it
To surrender completely 
With both palms extended  
And walk in the opposite direction 
To go forward in faith with
No expectations whatsoever 
Living, breathing, smiling, dancing
To rejoice in the midst of tears
To sing, to praise, to pray
And then one day, by HIS grace alone
One sweet unexpected spring day
That very thing quietly reappears

Easily Explainable

I write poetry because very little effort is needed on my part

I have no desire whatsoever to explain myself to anyone

I am transported to another place and completely unaware of my surroundings

The voices and opinions of others is of no significance to me

Something deep within my soul comes to surface one word at a time

Longing to feel accepted, loved, or valued, quietly begins to fade

The Spirit guides the pen and I become one with my thoughts

In the end, another piece of myself is released into the universe

And I am more freer today than I was yesterday 

Inspired

He called me out of darkness He blotted out my shame
He counts each star and He calls them by name
For 42 years I had lived on this earth 
In "2008" He gave me a new birth
He brought me out into a spacious place 
He equips His saints to finish the race
He has shown me a love that I have never known
On May 20th of this year He left His throne
He has shown me repeatedly that I'm precious in His sight
He's promised to protect me with all His might
He holds my life in the palm of His hands 
He tells me in "Jeremiah" that He has a plan 
Trust me my beloved I know what is best 
Just walk with Me and I'll do the rest
I am the Vine you are the branch 
If you let go of My hand you don't stand a chance 
The road is not easy and is filled with despair 
But My peace and My joy will meet you there 
When you take your last breath you will be with Me
Fear nothing My child 
I have promised you eternity 

(My Lord, You still inspire me!)

HIS L-O-V-E

Although this life's journey is fleeting, I do not feel as though we are wasting time by being apart. We know love and we knew love.  His will is the bridge toward love. And if we are unable to renew love, it does not erase our past love. We are not waiting on love and we are not longing for love. I believe deep in my heart that we are simply anticipating love. So, until we are able to physically give love and mutually receive love, we will continue to spiritually express love, through His Son.

A Perfect Union

I was not lost nor was I in darkness....at least not according to me. However, I was deeply desiring love, a true unconditional, steadfast and longstanding love.  

In walked Jesus as bright as the morning sun-rays. He gently took hold of my hand and invited me to take a walk. 

We took a journey backwards through my sin-filled past and He gave me a panoramic view of where I was, who I was with, what I had said and all that I had done. 

He didn't speak in a condemning voice when He said, "I was there." 

He wanted to ensure me that He'd seen everything that I had done and He wanted me to know that it all was forgiven. Completely forgiven. 

He wanted me to be certain of that as we were about to journey forward, knowing undoubtly that none of that stuff would be held against me. 

And here we are...

Remembering

I will continually rejoice loudly, boldly, passionately, enthusiastically, authentically, joyfully, youthfully, unashamedly, gratefully, humbly, brightly, silently, and eternally #because I remember my chains!

Galatians 5:17

My flesh wants to stay inside, all day...everyday

Well, maybe go out for an occasional breath of fresh air

But then again, I can open a window for that and if I position it just right, the sun has permission to rest on my skin

My flesh wants to eat all of my favorite foods, drink lots of coffee-with cream and a really cold pepsi here and there

My flesh is completely comfortable wrapped in pjs's, glued in front of the tv watching every episode of The Golden Girls and then any show about law enforcement

My flesh can read the bible...any version and then alternate between devotionals, write in my journals, pen poetry and never tire

My flesh can lazily throw items of clothing about in every single room and step over shoes as I walk about the house

My flesh can sleep in, nap throughout the day and then stay up till 3:00 am as if it's perfectly normal

My flesh can text, send out e-mails, update my blog and linger on Facebook without any human contact whatsoever

My thoughts....let's not even go there----->yuckie...

My flesh is consistent...wicked and selfish

However, my spirit is quite the opposite

My spirit longs to go deeper with You, in daily need of constant replenishing
My spirit has a heart for the weary, wanting to share my hope in Your return

My spirit cares deeply for the elderly, knowing that You've entrusted them to me

My spirit wants to bless the unfortunate, because I'm compelled to pay it forward

My spirit prays for marriages, the three strand cord not easily broken

My spirit serves with enthusiasm, like an eight-year old unable to sit still

My spirit boasts of Your goodness, all day long to anyone's who'll listen

My spirit delights in fellowship, an answer to my childhood abandonment

My spirit lives to worship You, arms raised and palms extended heaven bound

My spirit sings praises loudly... passionately, tearfully, repeatedly

My spirit is content in the waiting, having all that I never knew I wanted

My spirit ever so confident that I am Your heart's desire and I could never disappoint You

My spirit is humble, I truly adore You

God Is Still...

Syrian refugees are still growing in enormous proportions
Christians across the globe and still being persecuted
Suicide bombers are still plotting attacks
Illegal weapons are still in the hands of our enemies
Human trafficking is still greatly overlooked
Abortions are still occurring several times a day
Domestic Violence still isn't taken seriously
Today's youth still haven't a clue about moral issues
Drugs, sex and alcohol still sounds like a hip slogan
Many still put way too much trust in the government
Marriage is still the best thing since sliced bread
Love is still the answer
The bible is still the bestselling book ever
Jesus is still the way, the truth and the life
You can still receive forgiveness for your sins
And God is still in control and sitting on His throne

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“Submit to God’s royal son, or he will become angry, and you will be destroyed in the midst of all your activities— for his anger flares up in an instant. But what joy for all who take refuge in him!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭2:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

True Obedience

I would rather have two scoops of chocolate almond ice cream spilling over the side of a sugar cone...

I would rather have ice cold milk and a second serving of my favorite bowl of cereal...

I would rather have Maryland's best jumbo lump crab-cake with sweet potato fries...

I would rather have a great book and a yummy cup of hot coffee with just the right amount of cream...

I would rather have 85° in the middle of summer, on the beach with the sun pressing against my skin...

I would rather have a cold winter sitting in my ginormous bed, wrapped in pj's and my favorite orange socks...

I would rather be alone with endless blank pages and just as many ink pens while editing my unpublished poetry...

I would rather have a quiet still moment sitting by the window, gazing up at the clouds then to make love to someone who is not my husband...

Reality Haiku

Spiritually he is here
Physically he is there
Emotionally I am afraid

Love Haiku

when i think of love
it's closer than i'd like it to be
but i'm willing to meet in the middle

when i think of love
i will not manipulate but
this time i will surrender completely

when i think of love
i will seek to please God first
and then my mate

Transitioning 2

I may sound strange but
I feel so loved
I feel so treasured
I feel so precious
I feel so beautiful
I feel so smart
I feel so courageous
And I feel so confident
However, I cannot remember
the last time that I felt sexy...

Transitioning 1

I have come to the realization that I was forced to participate in life and now I have the complete freedom to withdraw.

My Redeemer

“Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet.”
Psalms 45:1 NLT

Oh how I love Thee
I'm nothing without Thee
I cannot breathe without Thee
My thoughts ramble without Thee
My motives are impure without Thee
I desire the world without Thee
I hide in shame without Thee
I long to run away without Thee
My flesh rises up without Thee
I would not share without Thee
I would not care without Thee
I would be in despair without Thee
My heart rebels without Thee
Headed straight to hell without Thee
I desperately need Thee
Oh how I love Thee

Right Now...

I am so unbelievably content
I'm overweight and I don't feel like exercising
My hair is a mess and I'm not sure what to do with it
I hate to iron and haven't dressed up in quite sometime
I thought I'd learn to cook by now but not so
I don't want to share my bed with anyone
I do not miss making love in the least
I'm so not ready to compromise
And I love when the TV is off
I love that I'm still single
I love coming and going at my leisure
I love wearing pjs
And I absolutely love paying for one
I love my friendships
I love not having to seek approval
I love being me
And I love lazy days
I am so content
I lack nothing
Have no hidden desires
And Jesus is enough